I present to you, the Miss Show-Stopper Parody:
..
I would like to give Savior Self a sincere thank you for showing us this software. It was fun to do this.
No recipes today, just a couple of jokes.
Many years ago in
Scotland
, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen
Only...Ladies
Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered
into the English
language.
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The first couple to
be shown in bed
together on prime time TV was
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money
is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.
Treasury.
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Men can read smaller-print than women can;
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Every day more money
is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.
Treasury.
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Men can read smaller-print than women can;
women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the
highest percentage
of people who walk to work:
Alaska
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The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get
this...)
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The percentage of
North America that
is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising
a medium-size dog
to the age of eleven:
$ 16,400
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The
average number
of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
61,000
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Intelligent people
have more zinc and
copper in their hair..
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The
first novel ever written on a typewriter,
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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--------- --------- ----
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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--------- ---------
--------- ----
The State with the
highest percentage
of people who walk to work:
Alaska
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get
this...)
------------
---------
--------- --------- ----
The percentage of
North America that
is wilderness: 38%
------------
---------
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
The cost of raising
a medium-size dog
to the age of eleven:
$ 16,400
------------
--------- --------- ---------
--------- --------- ---------
------
The
average number
of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
61,000
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--------- --------- --------- ---------
--------- ---------
------
Intelligent people
have more zinc and
copper in their hair..
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------
The
first novel ever written on a typewriter,
Tom Sawyer.
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--------- -
The
San Francisco Cable Cars
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--------- -
The
San Francisco Cable Cars
are the only mobile National Monuments..
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Each
king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs
-Alexander the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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--------- --------- --------- ---------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
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------
Each
king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs
-Alexander the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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--------- ---------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987, 654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a
horse has both front legs in the air,
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If a statue in the park of a person on a
horse has both front legs in the air,
the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died
because of
because of
wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground,
the person died of natural causes
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Only two people
signed the Declaration of Independence on
July 4, John Hancock
and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on
August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
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Q. Half of all
North Americans live within 50 miles of
what?
A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners
name their boats. What is the most
popular boat name
requested?
A.
Obsession
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Q.. If you were to
spell out numbers, how far would you
have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand
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Q. What do
bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield
wipers and laser
printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
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Q.
What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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Q. Which day are-there more collect calls than any other day of
the year?
A. Father's Day
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---
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making
the bed firmer to sleep on.
signed the Declaration of Independence on
July 4, John Hancock
and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on
August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
------------
--------- ---------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Q. Half of all
North Americans live within 50 miles of
what?
A. Their birthplace
------------
--------- --------- ---------
--------- --------- ---------
------
Q. Most boat owners
name their boats. What is the most
popular boat name
requested?
A.
Obsession
------------
--------- ---------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Q.. If you were to
spell out numbers, how far would you
have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand
------------
---------
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Q. What do
bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield
wipers and laser
printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
------------
--------- ---------
--------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Q.
What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
------------
---------
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Q. Which day are-there more collect calls than any other day of
the year?
A. Father's Day
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--------- --------- --------- ---------
---
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making
the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'
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It
was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all
the mead he could drink.
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It
was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all
the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based,
this period was called the honey month, which we know today as
this period was called the honey month, which we know today as
the honeymoon.
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In
English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England ,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
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In
English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England ,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
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Many
years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
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Many
years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.
When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some
service.
service.
'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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At
least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
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Don't
delete this just because it looks weird.
is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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At
least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
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Don't
delete this just because it looks weird.
Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveieetaht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg.
I cdnuolt blveieetaht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid: acocdrnig to rscheearch
at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers
in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
first and last
ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you
can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers
in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
first and last
ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you
can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
three.
4. You e-mail
the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason
for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have
email addresses.
6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to
help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every
commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone,
which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 80) years of
your life,
your life,
is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up
in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee
11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're
reading this and nodding and laughing.
13.
Even worse,
you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up
to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
NOW
U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You
know you want to!
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
NOW
U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You
know you want to!
Go lick your elbow.
All drugs have two
names, a trade name and generic
name.
names, a trade name and generic
name.
Example, the
trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name
is Acetaminophen.. Aleve
is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also
called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has
been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful
consideration by a team of government
experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin,
Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today
that Viagra will
soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola
as
a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be
possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a
soft drink, and it
gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails',
'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the
name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money
being spent on
breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's
research.
This means that by
2020, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and
huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what
to do with them.
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